Shoes I Would Not, Could Not, Wear

Here’s something you will never see me wear… the Sky Heel Shoe. Nine inch heels from Hell. Pure discomfort. Yessirree, fashion gone mad, and ankles gone… well, ankles just gone. Imagine doing the cha cha in these things! Check them out below, picture courtesy of http://news.softpedia.com/news/9-Inch-Sky-Heel-Shoe-Will-Be-Tallest-Available-in-Stores-166402.shtml.

Speaking of discomfort, and for that matter, fashion gone mad, check these babies out:

Picture courtesy of http://fashionmodel.mtx5.com/tag/crazy-fashion/, these are called the porcupine killer shoes. Guess that means if you find yourself on the wrong end of a porcupine (most any end will do), you just might come out ahead.

Or the toeless boots, picture below courtesy of the same website named in the previous paragraph:

Now, tell me, just what is the point? No, I don’t really want to know. I call these the “owwwies” which is what I would say if I stepped on a rock wearing these things. Or maybe the “ewwwies” after stepping in something squishier and much smellier than a rock. I would say something like that, if I survived being pitched forward on my face after stepping on or in you name it, or after stepping on or in nothing at all. Look at the angle of her foot. It defies geometry.

I could go on, the web is full of pictures of these crazy shoes. Personally, I’m a boring shoe/boot person, just ask any of my friends, opting for 2-inch or less heels, or no heels, in normal colors. Cute styles, in my opinion, but pitifully normal. Me, I’m afraid of all of these shoes. Definitely, they are not for the faint of heart. They are only suitable for the most poised and graceful among us, models trained for the catwalk. Or maybe not. A particular video I saw a couple of years ago comes to mind (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-cqUj99zMI)…

Yeah, I felt sorry for her, once I stopped laughing and could breathe again. Now, if she had only worn her SENSIBLE shoes…

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Does This Make My Butt Look Big???

Yesterday I bought the swimsuit below. Note, I will only wear this in my backyard, and perhaps at the beach some day. I will never EVER model it for my blog, so you can breathe a huge sigh of relief … you ain’t gonna see me in a swimsuit here. 

Tell me what you think.  No comments required on the merits of the tankini itself.  I know in thirty years the tankini will probably be considered the biggest fashion faux pas in the history of faux pi.  Even so, I’m a tankini kind of girl, as bikinis are just out of the question.  I already have a nice black one-piece, but I find one-pieces hot (as in my body gets hot, not to be confused with the other kind of hot).   Oh, all right.  I’m hot.  In the middle of July in Texas, you’d be surprised how much cooler you feel when sporting a naked inch of midriff, and I only wish I was joking.

Anyway, when I bought this suit, I asked the two young girls at the checkout what they thought.  This was a buy one piece buy the second piece kind of deal.  You’ll notice the pieces don’t match, but they do have all the same colors. One girl bobbed her head thoughtfully and said it just might work.  The other girl shook her head side-to-side and said it would drive her crazy (probably thought I was a little off also) and wasn’t there a solid color bottom back there somewhere?

What I didn’t tell her is that I DID try on the solid color bottom and I didn’t like it.  I LIKE the horizontal stripes because I think it makes my butt look BIGGER.  Hey, some of us have big butts, and some of us don’t.  Big butts are in right now and this is my best chance of ever having one.  I feel a song coming on … I like big butts and I cannot lie …

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So, whaddaya think?  Are the patterns too busy?  More importantly, and I realize you must use your imagination here  … does this swimsuit make my butt look big?  Don’t lie to me now …